psalm 27:14, 130:5

“go big or go home, but don’t go home before the miracle happens.”

This absolutely is the way I attempt to live my life. I believe that this life is about living it in the fullest way to which I know how. I also believe that miracles happen. every. single. day. I am often impulsive, distracted and drawn to the perhaps seemingly more exciting things. However, those seemingly more exciting things often hold little value. If I center my focus and stick around long enough, there is a good chance I’ll get to experience the miracle in one fashion or another.

“wait for god. take heart. and dont quit. wait for what god will do.”
psalm 27:14, 130:5

I am not God… although I sometimes do believe I can control things. But, ya I am not God. I have a very small perspective on what is REALLY going on. I can only see what is going on tangibly around me. Despite that, God really is working on so much more than I could ever see or understand. He is orchestrating my life and the lives of others every day, every moment. Who knows what He is doing in your heart and mine in this very moment… only He does. And because of this truth, a miracle could literally happen at any time.

The question for me often is not whether I am going to go big, but whether I am willing to go big and THEN be patient and wait for the miracle. I don’t like waiting. I mainly don’t like waiting because waiting means trusting Him. The act of being patient and waiting is an art of doing so with a good attitude, of doing the footwork and then sitting on my hands, letting Him do His handiwork without me trying to control and manipulate the outcomes. Taking my control out of situations leaves me to trusting that God will do for good as He has promised. Yep… I suck at this. I suck at this because I do one of two things: I either worry so much about the outcome that I try to step back in and maneuver things a certain way so it turns out how I expect (where there is actually no miracle at all because “it is of my doing”) OR I get tired of waiting and I get distracted and move on to the next exciting thing… missing the miracle all together. Will I let go and wait? Or will I get distracted and move on?

The beauty of miracles is that they take on many different “appearances.” If I am willing to wait and I am not careful… I’ll miss the miracle. If I am not focused and present in the moment, there is a good chance that I will indeed miss that miracle. I don’t want to do that. I have yet to experience anything in this life more exuberant and liberating than the miracles themselves.

don’t go home before the miracle happens.

this is, sheerly, my soul.

revelation 2:2-3

“I see what you’ve done, your hard, hard work, your refusal to quit. I know your persistence, your courage in my cause, that you never wear out.”
Revelation 2:2-3

I’m pretty weary. Classes are hard. It takes work. Alot of it. I have a desire to do well. I have a desire to succeed according to the world’s grading system… While I suck at this, I really have a larger desire to do well according to His glory. During this specific week of school I have three tests, two papers, and two assignments. In a period of 3 days, I have studied over 30 hours… basically I have had very little sleep. So to say that I’m weary… might be an understatement. I’m ready to crawl in bed with my childhood pink blanky… yes I still sleep with my childhood blanket, turn on Law & Order SVU, and sleep for perhaps a day or two.

That time however, is not now. I still have another test and two papers to turn in. This is the time though, to see where my heart is, to see what my character is made of. I (try) to live with an attitude of such: No guts, no glory. It’s go big or go home.

This, right here is where I am meant to be. I am a student at Texas Tech University and am called to bring glory to Him right where I’m at. I am a student at Tech for a bigger purpose than I can see today. My worthless classes are a means to an end, they’re getting me to where I want to be. They’re the steps I must take in order to live out my dream. He’ll make it all happen according to His purpose.

So here’s to the days of no sleep, the pulling all nighters with friends, the cussing out and cursing of professors for their cruelty, the questions of if this is all worth it. Because it is worth it. This is the guts that brings The Glory. This is where I go big… because I’m not going home empty handed. I aint leaving Lubbock, Texas without that piece of paper with my name and Tech’s seal on it.

So, I hold onto Revelation 2:2-3 because His purpose and promises are worth it. I give it my all, I leave it all out on the floor, and I leave with no regrets.

no guts, no glory. it’s go big or go home.

this is, sheerly, my soul.

Acts 13:22

“He’s (David) a man whose heart beats to My heart.”
Acts 22:13

This verse means absolutely nothing to me, until I look at who David is. According to the world’s standards, according to my own pride, doubt, disbelief and stubbornness… David certainly is not a man after God’s own heart. How could he be? This guy was a selfish guy who was full of himself, who took the “easy way out” of situations, he was a runner, he was lustful, deceiving, conniving, an adulterer and a murderer. Well, you get the point. Again… how could this guy possibly be a man that God names a man after His very own heart?

….Because David got It. David not only intellectually understood that He was incapable of living a life aligned with God, but He understood this with all of his soul and heart. David got that no matter how hard He tried, no matter how many promises He made, David could not stay away from His “stuff”… without God. David realized that each and every time he screwed up… again, that God was still there, ready to embrace him lovingly and accept him where he’s at, and ya ready to clean up the same mess He’s already cleaned up.

I. am. David. God has this wonderful plan for me, He has it all laid out perfectly, He lets me in on a little bit of that plan, He gets me excited and inspired, all I have to do is move in tune with Him. This plan is a beautiful feast in a gorgeous dining room filled with fine china, crystal glasses, and oh the food on the table, it’s unbelievable! All I have to do is take a seat, allow Him to uncover the food on the table, and enjoy the fullness of Him. Yep, like I mentioned, I am David. So no, I don’t take a seat and simply enjoy. In fact, I do quite the opposite.

Ha. Opposite may be understatement. I run into the dining room frantically, it doesn’t look like I had planned, imagined or expected. Because of this, I begin throwing a fit, I scream, I shout, I throw the fine china on the ground shattering it into pieces, I uncover the feast of foods myself and deem it not good enough and shout some more, ext. To put it plainly (… and harshly) I take a crap on something incredibly beautiful that was so divinely orchestrated… and orchestrated for my good. All I had to do was take a seat, enjoy the scenery, and wait for the feast to be uncovered, course by course, one single lavishing food at a time.

UGH. Yep. I am David. I am Jenny. Ya God, um I just royally screwed that all up. Big time. Alot. Majorly. Um, ya I don’t know what to do now. Ugh. I want to fix this. I want this to be better. But I can’t. I want that person I just hurt and basically hurt them in Your name… Um, I want them to know you and I totally just ruined that. So… ya um I’m back at square one again, realizing, again that I can’t do this by myself. Not only can I not do this by myself, but that mess I just made…. I need you to clean up, redeem and restore all that, again. Because I can’t, if I do anything more by myself, I’ll just continue to screw it up more. Please help me to shut up, to let go of my need to control and micromanage, and move out of the way. I can’t do this alone, I can’t do this without you.

It takes what it takes… and I think I’m finally starting to get It.
Venturing to be a woman whose heart beats with His.

this is, sheerly, my soul.

proverbs 3:21-22

“Guard clear thinking and common sense with your life. Don’t lose sight of them, even for a minute. It will keep your soul alive and well.”
Proverbs 3:21-22

I used to believe that clear thinking and common sense were a part of my head and my mind. Recently though, I have found that that isn’t the truth for me. My clear thinking and my common sense lie within my heart. My heart is at the center of my being, the place where my Higher Power lives, breathes, and loves me. My mind however, it is usually the one that gets me in trouble. My mind says that my heart is wrong, it tells me not to follow my heart, it says to do the logical things that make sense.

The truth for me is that this life isn’t logical. This life often doesn’t make sense and when I try to make sense of it, I try to control it, I try to force solutions, and make things happen the way I want them too. But the harsh truth of the matter is that my plans for me suck, the way I want things to turn out are not the best way, what I want is pretty much never what I need. I am not in control of my life… no matter how much I want to be.

However, when I follow my heart. I am content, happy, joyous, and free. When I follow my heart I say what I need too despite another’s reaction, I do what I need and want too without fear, and by listening to my heart, I allow my life and the lives of those I love to just flow. Oh the joys of listening and following my heart.

I don’t follow my heart well. At all. I would like to say that I can and do. I wish I lived this way every single moment of my days. But I am a work in progress and this is one step toward wholeness and healing within my life.

Follow our hearts

This is, sheerly, my soul.

luke 24:27, psalm 91:4

“i cry everyday not because i am sad, instead because the world is just absolutely, breathtakingly beautiful.”

The Lubbs has amazing weather this time of year, the evenings consist of 70 degree weather with a sky full of stars. This evening I was chilling outside having a sweet conversation with a pretty cool maker I have found. I was thanking God for this particular season. I don’t even know how to define this season, because it has been so full of twists and turns. Not to mention, anyhow, I couldn’t tell you when this season’s beginnings came about… which I feel I have always been able to decipher…. and I LOVE that I can’t decipher it’s beginning. The way God and I have been hanging out lately, it looks nothing like what I’m used too. Again, I love that. God, in fact is turning out to be nothing like I had thought or expected Him to be. What a relief. (but that relief however, I feel should be saved for another post).

Back to my sweet convo with God a little while ago, so I was thanking Him for this particular season… It, by no means has been easy. Hard, difficult, heavy would be an understatement. As I was thanking God, I said “ya man, on the good days, the great days, the glum, the exhausting, the incredible, the unbearable days… thanks that you’re right here.” And before I even could finish that thought, the tears begin to flow… it hits me like a ton of bricks that whatever kinda day I’m having, whatever mood I’m in, how my heart feels… that this dude, this God… He has not left my side, not once, that He. is. right. here. That Him being close to me, there is never a way that He could be closer.

Even when I curse Him and I tell Him it’s too much, even when my doubts overcome and I threaten to walk away, even when I don’t invite Him to be apart of my day, even when I seemingly do nothing to glorify Him, even when I screw up, even when I… ya, just messed up with that same exact thing… again. Even still, He is not just near, lingering on the other side of the room watching me suffer. He is all up in my business, crawling up next to me, scooping me into His arms showing me that He is here to suffer through this with me, showing me that He means it when He says His love is unconditional. He was there when all the bad stuff was happening… He was there. and He’s here now.

“Then beginning with Moses and all the Prophets… through all the Scriptures the things referring to Himself.”
Luke 24:27
… real world translation…
He has always been here. Always.

He’s scooped me into His lap and He gently says, “My love, stop squirming, stop resisting, stop fighting. Stop. You are safe here. Please relax. Please rest. Just let me hold you. I do not care what you’ve done, where you’ve been, what’s been done to you, what you think or do…. I just love you.” And these words pierce through the walls that surround my heart. This truth, this light… this love, it’s brought into the deepest darkest parts of my heart. And as He holds me, rocking me back and forth, He continues, “You are worth it. You are good enough. Stop trying because you already are. I love you. You are safe here in my arms, so vulnerable, so broken… so beautiful.”

“In my arms, you are protected and safe.”
Psalm 91:4

this is, sheerly, my soul